Getting Ready for Lent

I'm not sure I did the numbering right- Are you suppose to count the Sundays?? But it's better than nothing... I think we'll color a number each day. Behind the tombstone it says "Easter Sunday!"

Tomorrow I want to do an Ash Wednesday activity with the kids where we write sins on little pieces of paper and burn them. Hopefully we won't burn ourselves in the process! Then I think we'll talk about the events leading up to Palm Sunday and maybe add little pictures to the calendar for different ones (blind Bartimeus, raising Lazarus, Mary washing Jesus' feet, etc.) I'm hoping to also do a resurrection garden. (It didn't go well last year, but I think it's worth trying again.) I know a lot of people fast during Lent, but it seems a bit much to ask of preschoolers. I think we might try praying in the dark, at least on Sundays. We'll see how that goes. =?

None of this stuff is anything worth selling, or even keeping, but hopefully it will help the kiddos learn the meaning of Jesus' death and resurrection. Sunday at church one of the pastors talked about Jesus being our treasure. William started saying, "Pirate...treasure....ship..." I tried to tell him Jesus is our treasure. "Jesus?" William asked confused. He was probably imagining Jesus with a patch on his eye, or maybe baby Jesus in a treasure chest. I pray God enables us to explain the gospel to him in a way he (and Lily!) can understand!

Please Pray With Us

Last week Eric and I went to the Sovereign Grace Pastors Conference. I came home with a heavy burden to pray and encourage others to pray. I was convicted and inspired by Lynn Jones' example. Lynn is a long-time member of Covenant Life Church. She gave up her week to come to the conference simply to pray. She set up a room and hung a sign and welcomed anyone who joined her. It was such a blessing to my soul to hear her playing her guitar and singing whenever I walked down that hallway.

So, whether you know what all is going on in Sovereign Grace right now or not, would you consider praying regularly with us and for us? May God deepen our dependence on Him through this time!

Useful Vessels

I've been reading a short biography of Martin Luther for Reformation Day. It's been interesting to read it in light of our own church struggles. One thing that has stood out is how God uses all sorts of people. You don't have to be perfect for God to use you. God uses everybody; we are all vessels. But the more sin we each bring to the table, the more messy the process becomes.

"In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for special purposes and some for common use. Those who cleanse themselves from the latter will be instruments for special purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work." 2 Tim. 2:20-21

One of my prayers is that we would be useful vessels right now.

I finally joined Facebook

I've resisted joining Facebook because of its consuming nature. But I decided to finally join- or at least contribute- by starting a page called Persistent Widow. It's my little effort to encourage prayer for Sovereign Grace churches.

I don't have a lot to say. I just want to offer regular reminders to ask God for reconciliation- He wants to be asked!

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His Word I hope; my soul waits for the LORD more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning." Ps. 130:5-6

God wants to be asked

"The LORD said, "Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do...?" Gen 18:17

"Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart...And the LORD said, "Hear what the unrighteous judge said; now, will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them? I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?"" Luke 18:1,6-8

"Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the earth for three years and six months. Then he prayed again, and the sky poured rain and the earth produced its fruit." James 5:17-18

Speaking of Prayer...

I've been trying to introduce gospel concepts to Lily over the last few months. At one point this summer, she asked about going to heaven, and if everyone gets to go, and I explained how you have to ask Jesus to forgive your sins. "But we haven't done that yet!" she said, laughing. "I have, and Daddy has," I replied. We talked about it some more, and she said, "I'm not ready yet."

Then last week she brought up heaven again and how Grammy's doggies died and went to heaven. (That's always a tricky subject!) We talked more about forgiveness and how sin is disobedience to God and Jesus took our spanking so He can forgive us. She asked, "Do you have to pray?" I told her, yes, you talk to God about it. I heard her whispering quietly for a little bit, and then she told me she prayed. When I asked what she prayed, she said it was a secret. She was tired, so I wasn't sure if her tears were from God or simply exhaustion.

Then this morning she brought it up again. "Who is God?" she asked out of the blue. We reviewed who God is and how He loves her. Then she told me that "yesterday" (which means any day in the past) she prayed very quietly and told God she forgave Him. I tried not to chuckle. "You mean you asked God to forgive you?" I asked. "Yeah." "What did you ask Him to forgive you for?" She was quiet for a long time, and then, a little teary, she said, "Because I disobeyed Him." We talked about how God forgives us when we ask.

Then the next thing she said just about ripped my heart out: "I wonder why William hasn't done this." (William was in tutoring, so he wasn't there to be asked.)
"I don't know how to explain it to him, honey. You know how William has a hard time understanding words; I don't know how to tell him so he understands."
She said confidently, "Only God can do that."
"Yep, you're right," I said, marveling. "I keep praying and asking God to show me how to explain it to him."
"Do you want to pray right now?" she asked me.
And so we prayed together- so sweet, so heart-wrenching. My dear daughter verbalized the prayer I've had on my heart for years.

God's Steadfast Love

Larissa Murphy does such a great job of putting into words the experience of walking with disability while trusting God. Her latest post five.years. is worth reading. She retells the story of how "who ian was for 21 years was left in the car that was towed off the highway." Then she recounts how God has met her in the trial that began that day five years ago. She ends by saying, "...and i see that our lives our full. they are sad and exhausting, but they are full. and god is the one who has filled them."

My First Appeal

As the conflict in Sovereign Grace Ministries continues, I can be tempted to think I've done all I can do to help. God graciously reminded me last week that that is not true. I still have multiple things I can do: I can pray, I can fast, I can humbly appeal to authority. My temptation is to take that last action point and run with it. But I think trusting God means starting with an appeal to Him first and foremost.

The idea of fasting can seem undoable as a nursing mom, but the more I have prayed and talked to Eric about it, the more I realized partial fasting is very doable. It can be as minimal as no desserts, or it can be no meat (like Catholics during Lent), or just fruit and veggies, or just veggies. It can be one day a week, or one meal a day, or just one meal a week.

Not that I want to discourage anyone who feels called to completely fast. But for those who feel too daunted to even try that, maybe you could start with something smaller like this, and let God build your faith as you move along.

The Mahaney ladies have encouraged fasting on their blog for years. Isn't it appropriate for us to return them the favor and fast on their and their men's behalf now?

If you are part of Sovereign Grace or a friend at least somewhat familiar with what's going on, would you consider joining me in praying and fasting for our group of churches and our leaders? Maybe you already are- Thank you!

"This Halting of Decay"

Housework has never been my thing. I love my husband and kiddos, but cooking for them and cleaning up the messes they create has never been my thing. This week I received fresh inspiration for doing housework from an unlikely source.

I started reading Sharon James' God's Design for Women. She starts out reviewing feminist history. As part of that review, she quotes Simone de Beauvoir talking about the life-sapping nature of housework, "Washing, ironing, sweeping...all this halting of decay..." For some reason, that description changed the way I see my housework, in a good way.

I'm surrounded by decay- leftover soggy cheerios, poopy diapers, spit up, sticky juice stains, snotty tissues. But I don't need to be discouraged about that. Just like how doctors are pushing back the Curse by fighting cancer and godly politicians are helping bring about justice in a fallen world, I'm halting decay in my little corner of the world. Even if I'm just kicking toys out of the way to make a path through the family room, that's bringing a little order to chaos, pushing back the Fall.

Beautiful Slavery

Legalism is one of those things that can look so beautiful from a distance. A friend of mine who's on the long journey out of that world (not Amish but very legalistic) stopped by today. Talking to her is such a good reminder to me.

Jesus sounds harsh when He calls the Pharisees white washed tombs, beautiful on the outside but full of rotting bones on the inside. But those who have been there know He was speaking the dead truth.

Special Grace

I love being a mom.

However, there are a few things that tempt me to self-pity in this job: when I'm sick and I still have to care for my kids, when my nursing baby bites, when I have to clean up poop, pee, and throw up. This week has been full of all of the above.

The worst was this morning. William has been sick since yesterday, and he has been asking to drink orange juice. I kept saying no. Then this morning he got some for himself while I was upstairs. He spilled it on the table and floor, and then threw up the rest on the carpet.

And yet God is helping me. As I sopped up the mess, I was surprised I was just fine- not especially excited, mind you, but not upset at all or sorry for myself. That's amazing grace! Something I can't explain, and I'm so grateful.

And all week has been like that- seeing cancelled events as a chance to get projects done at home and start homeschool, enjoying little things like animal-shaped sandwich cutters, lift-the-flap library books, playing ice cream stand with Lily, and hearing William call Lily by her name.

Of course, I'd still appreciate your prayers for us all to get better. The girls seem to be on the mend, but Eric says he isn't feeling well now, though he still went to work today. But it's so sweet to know that the grace is there for whatever the day holds. God is our Good Shepherd, and He is watching over us.

The Day the World Went Wacky

Another book arrived today that turns out to be an answer to prayer. For a while now I've been looking for a book that explains the Fall. I want to have it to share with kids, especially my own, as they become more aware of William's disabilities. I called Joni and Friends and they didn't know of any. I emailed Stephanie Hubach (author of Same Lake Different Boat) and she didn't know of one. I'd even thought about writing one myself. Then today one of the books I ordered for home school came, and it's the book I've been looking for!

The Day the World Went Wacky starts out,
"A little while back, I was eating my lunch
When I got out an apple and took a big crunch.
The next thing you know, I was in a big chair
With my mouth open wide and my feet in the air.

And just as the dentist put in a huge filling
(My ears were half deaf with the noise of the drilling),
A really hard question came into my brain,
And my really hard question was DID GOD MAKE PAIN?"

Author Janine Suter goes on to explain the Genesis account of the Fall and what it means for us today. She takes as much time to explain the effects of the Fall as to tell the story. She does a good job of explaining God's "riddle" about a coming Savior and how God sacrificed an animal ("Animals can't really pay for our sin, But Jesus' blood can, and this pointed to Him.") Her one page about "...into the world this sin has brought death, and cancer and pimples and shortness of breath..." is very similar to what I would have written myself, only better.

She doesn't talk as much about God's work of restoration through Jesus as I would have. But she does mention it at the end:
"Now no one can go and see Eden today,
Because Noah's Flood has washed it away.
But God has a plan to make everything new
For all those who love Him.
Does that include you?"

I'm excited to use this book when I do an orientation for the kids in his children's ministry class this fall.

Eternal God

[I know that people often avoid discussing controversies. A man at the church here told me how when the church left PDI years ago, no one talked to anyone else about it. They didn't want to gossip or influence each other. So no one knew what anyone else was doing, and in a very difficult season, they each walked alone.

I don't want to gossip, and this is not a forum for discussion, but I don't want to walk alone. So I'm going to share my experience as we go along. Thanks for listening, and more importantly thank you for praying.]

Yesterday the Sovereign Grace Board posted the results of the first panel regarding CJ Mahaney's qualifications for ministry. As much as I could see it coming, my heart still sunk when I read it. I told Eric, it felt like my world was falling apart.

Today I was encouraged by the words of this worship song. I'm not sure if I have them all right or who the artist is, but the truth helped me.

Eternal God
Though the earth should tremble and the oceans roar
And the mountains slip into the sea;
I shall not fear any harm, with your powerful arms around me.

I worship You, Eternal God
I worship You, the Unchanging One
Before the angels ever sang one song
Before the morning star had ever shone
You were on Your throne,
Eternal God

Though men’s kingdoms crumble and the nations rage
And rulers and kings come and go;
Yours is the Kingdom unshaken, and You’ve never forsaken Your own!

I worship You, Eternal God
I worship You, the Unchanging One
Before the angels ever sang one song
Before the morning star had ever shone
You were on Your throne,
Eternal God

[Post Script: Eric told me tonight that Mark Altrogge wrote this song in the early 90's, which makes it even more sweet to me...]

Song Reservoir

I'm so grateful for my childhood. In challenging times like this week, I find myself remembering experiences and songs from GFC, the church where I grew up. I know people sometimes make fun of the "clappy happy" songs of the Jesus movement, but the foundational truths they contain and childlike faith they proclaim are a reservoir of grace for me:

"This is the day that the LORD has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."

"I've got a river of life flowing out of me...opens prison doors and sets the captive free...Spring up, oh well, within my soul...and give to me that life abundantly."

"As the deer panteth for the waters so my soul longeth after Thee. You alone are my heart's desire and I long to worship Thee."

"God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He's so good to me."

Our Hope

As many of you already know, the president of our family of churches, CJ Mahaney, announced this past Thursday that he is taking a leave of absence to deal with a number of charges against him. This past week was a busy one for Eric and me as we've been learning and processing what this is about. It's been very sad and sobering.

Last night God spoke to us through the evening's Daily Light entry. The opening verse was 1 Cor. 3:13, "The Day will disclose it." The final passage was from Jer. 32:18b-19:
"O great and mighty God, whose name is the Lord of hosts, great in counsel and mighty in deed, whose eyes are open to all the ways of the children of man, rewarding each one according to his ways and according to the fruit of his deeds."

Our hope in this process is not in our leaders (though I was greatly encouraged to hear Josh Harris' description of and response to the situation in his Sunday sermon at Covenant Life Church this morning). Our hope is not in an independent panel. It's not even in the power of the truth. Our hope is in God. And whatever happens with this process, He knows all, He has seen all, and He will reward each according to their deeds.

This is an in-house situation, so all the sins committed are forgiven sins. And yet there will be a Day when God will bring everything to light and will reward His people for the good they have done, seen and unseen. In the meantime, He will continue to build His Church. I'm so glad He is in control.

The Greatest of These

I was in high school when my youth pastor talked one Sunday about 1 Corinthians 13 and how we can't please God without faith, and yet love is greater. I was really struck by that thought. I've been thinking a lot about that lately along with 2 Peter 1:5-7:

"Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love."

I know not every list in the Bible is progressive or chronological, but this one seems to me like it is. Faith comes first. Then you grow in knowledge and virtue. Self-control and endurance are another level; they lead to godliness. I thought it was interesting that Peter made virtue and godliness two different things. He also lists brotherly kindness and love as two different things. And love is at the end- assumably not because it's least important but because it's the hardest.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about that last point- how hard love is. Not just that it's hard to do, but I'm often not even sure what it looks like in a situation. It's more than the absence of sinning against someone. It's more than being kind. It's more than serving.

I read the accounts of how Jesus relates to people- how He sees them and reaches out to them and gives Himself to them and speaks words that bring them life. Then I look at my little world and wonder what that would look like. Obviously, I'm not Jesus, I can't give people life. But I am called to love. What does loving my family look like? What about my friends and my neighbors and my church?

Does anyone know any good resources (books, Bible studies, articles, messages, etc) on loving? Thanks for your help!

The Other Side of Disability

My personal experience with disability is at the front end. Almost all the special needs people I know personally are kids. It's their parents who are making decisions for them, and most of them have some sense of progress or hope for progress in the future.

There is another side to disability. My dear daddy has Parkinson's. For him, things are progressing in the opposite direction. It seems like all seniors, whether healthy or dealing with serious illness, face significant struggles or fears of struggles and disability as they age. For me, that's the distant future. But I want to learn from those who go before me so that I will have truth and example stored up in my heart when the time comes.

I follow a couple blogs, including Carolyn McCulley's Radical Womanhood blog. She just had a guest post from a lady who works in an Alzheimer's care unit. I thought it was worth passing on.

Praying For William

A couple weeks ago, my sister in law Jenn challenged me to pray for William's healing. Other people have mentioned that to me before, but I've always dismissed it. This time, though, Jenn was graciously persistent. It made me stop and really think through my reasons for not praying.

I pray for William all the time of course. I pray for him to make improvements. I pray for him to understand the gospel and come to faith. I pray for wisdom for us as we parent him and make educational decisions. But up until now, I haven't prayed for his complete healing.

As I've thought and prayed about it, I think there are a number of reasons:
-No biblical examples of people praying for or being healed of cognitive disabilities
-No present day examples I'm aware of of someone being healed of a cognitive disability
-Fear that I would be praying for something that's not God's will, that I would be asking for what is not best
-My tendency to associate people who pray for healing for developmental disabilities with people who haven't accepted them and are still fighting God in their heart
-Fear that in asking for healing, I'll start imagining what it would be like if he was healed and bring up my own desires and then be freshly saddened by our situation if God says no.

But as I've prayed about it and studied passages like James 5, I've come to the conclusion that God wants us to ask. If it's not His will, He'll say no. He knows my heart to desire His will and He won't give me second best. It's good for me to regularly say, "If You are willing, You can heal him," and to actively leave it in His hands.

And so this past Sunday when they had a time for prayer for healing at church, I raised William's hand. As people prayed, I was struck with how it is good to ask others to pray too. It strengthens our faith and reminds us of God's sovereign rule over all things. It is an act of worship.

Column

In an effort to make more of my communication about God, I am going to start a side column on this blog where I tell about what I'm learning in my Bible reading. I don't do anything fancy for my devotions, just read straight through the Bible. But I'm always amazed at how different things stand out each time through. So that's what I'm going to tell you all about. Nothing long or drawn out, just the main points that struck me this time around. I'm currently in Job, but I read slowly enough, I figure it's worth taking the time to catch you all up from Genesis.

John Murray

I recently finished reading The Life of John Murray which my brother Jonny so kindly gave me for my birthday. Murray was Orthodox Presbyterian. In fact, this book makes it sound like he wrote the OP position on a number of subjects. So there are things I definitely disagree with him about. But I found his story fascinating, inspiring, and encouraging. Here are a few tidbits:

-Murray was born in rural Scotland and was largely the product of the Scottish Reformed circles he grew up in. (That's a history I want to study more.)

-Murray's denomination usually simply mentored men who wanted to be pastors, but they sent Murray to study at Princeton (the main Reformed seminary at the time) with the idea that he would provide theological direction for the denomination upon his return to Scotland.

-Murray attended Princeton in the 1920s when it was a battleground between historic Christianity and a more modern, liberal "faith." Murray helped lead the student movement for staying biblical. (Interestingly enough, both the faculty and the Board as well as the students wanted to stay conservative. It was the denomination that forced the change.)

-Murray was denied the pulpit in his Scottish denomination because of his view on the Sabbath. Murray had an extremely conservative view of Sabbath-keeping. But his denomination wanted him to deny communion to anyone who took public transportation to church on Sunday, and he refused to do that. So his lifelong desire to be a pastor was denied. He became a seminary professor instead.

-Murray was part of the group of professors that left Princeton in order to start Westminster in 1930.

-Murray had a huge respect for the Word of God. He taught systematic theology, but he introduced every new subject by reviewing all the texts on the subject in the original language. He had a large portion of Romans memorized in the Greek.

-Murray wrote a two volume commentary on Romans that I want to read. A few highlights mentioned in the book:

"Just as there is to be no social aristocracy in the church, so there is to be no intellectual autocrat."

"Pride consists in coveting or exercising a prerogative that does not belong to us." (especially helpful to me because I always wondered, if humility was being aware of our sin, how was Jesus the most humble person ever.)

"The love of God is supreme and incomparable. We are never asked to love God as we love ourselves or our neighbor as we love God."

-Murray believed that a major missing aspect at Westminster compared to Princeton (historically) was the lack of opportunity to experience the faith together- to hear the professors preach not just teach, to pray together, to share biblical fellowship together, etc. He thought the Seminary should not only teach true religion, but also provide examples of zealous piety- "theology coming through men who are on fire."

-It appears that, other than articles for the Reformed journal that he helped run, Murray never pursued the publication of any of his writings. In fact, he is known to have denied the publication of some of his writings because he was concerned they wouldn't be helpful.

-Murray was largely unknown in Britain until Dr. Martin Loyd-Jones re-introduced him. Then, 40 years after first leaving to study in America, he became a theological leader to the young Reformed resurgence in Britain, not unlike his denomination originally intended, but with far greater scope.

-Murray retired while still very able-bodied in order to run the family farm and care for his senile older sister. It was at that point that he finally got to do what he always wanted to do- pastor a small (20 or so member) country church.